19.5.06

It's another tequila sunrise, this old world/ Still looks the same,/ Another frame, mm...

Well, this old world -- a hot, sweltering one -- looked a bit different today. It rained in the morning and I woke up to this beautiful breezy morning. And I felt as happy as can be, except that there was that thing of going to office and filing stories. Of late, I have been thinking of entrepreneurial ventures. This time though I am serious. SoI am thinking of working towards it and am feeling pretty excited. At least I can do something for six months and if I don't like it, I can move on and do something different again. Am I being deliberately obtuse? It's just that till I don't do anything I don't want to blabber about it. Also because I have a partner who would be very sad if it didn't work out.

Also I have been meeting people. Like there was blogger Nish who turned out to be quite funny and cool. As in how many people actually have the guts to go and do something they want to. Right after meeting him, I had to go for an event where I met this chick. She was nice, pretty and chirpy and three years younger to me. We gelled well and we went for coffee when she slowly started pouring out her story. I should say stories, rather. And what she had to say freaked me out.

First of all, she told me she had wanted to kill herself and she had popped some 70 pills along with crushed glass. "I really wanted to die then," she said. More came out about her former psycho boyfriend and her broken home. The whole evening I was in a kind of a daze. Even till next day I had a hard time getting over what she told me. Was she lying or making up stuff for sympathy? For a moment, I entertained that thought. But whatever, she clearly was disturbed. These are things that seem to be straight out of a book or a film, but then meeting people like her, make you realise that such things happen in real life too. It's so painful. Even as I was listening to her, I felt so grateful for my parents, for the normal upbringing I have had, for all the happy times they have given me, in short a world where there has been no violence, incestuous stuff or anything of the sort.

35 comments:

n.g. said...

childhood trauma is permanent damage. anyone who's been through it either learns from it and becomes harder or breaks. one can move on but one never forgets. though its also true that a difficult childhood is like the test of fire. if one has a stable head, one comes out of it more equipped to handle the worst that the future has to throw up. what doesnt break you makes you stronger.

its a question i ask everyone, albeit once i know they can be honest about it. if they've ever SERIOUSLY contemplated suicide, or attempted it. and you'll be shocked at how many say yes. In normal shielded worlds, one doesnt even imagine shit happening to oneself. until it goes and happens and one either grows up overnight, or gives up altogether. a highly respected director used to tell me, how can one show pain if one hasnt felt it himself? how can a creative person really KNOW and understand and recreate what it is to FEEL anything if he hasnt FELT it himself?

Dealing with death is one such emotion. Everytime someone i know is taken away i feel i can cope with it. i tell myself that its not the end, it may even the beginning. and somesuch stuff. but it doesnt work, it never works. im lost and i cant handle it. its like a vacuum that is created as a permanent fixture inside you and only gets bigger and bigger with every subsequent blow, threatening to fold up inside one day and absorb everything into itself.

i guess thats why art happened; to lend a voice of expression to pain. to help deal. so that one voice can reach out to several others and help them deal. no wonder then, one feeds on the other. art feeds on pain and pain on art.

so we, sing it for these kids
who dont have a thing
except for a dream
and a fucking rap magazine
who post pictures on their walls
all day long
idolise their favourite rappers
and know all their songs
and for everyone who's ever been through shit in their lives
so they sit and cry at night
wishing they'd die
until they throw in a rap record
and they sit and they vibe
we're nothing to you,
but we're the fucking shit in their eyes

eminem 'sing for the moment'

Grey Shades said...

Lol! Yeah friends and parents can be such dears at times and such pain in the wrong places at other times! But they are friends and parents and what would we do without them! :)

Your posts make me laugh. They have a certain honest mischievous tone to them! Dont know if thats true but then I always ramble! :)

Essar said...

Shib chele ke bhai banale bhari mushkil!

Essar said...

Oh - I meant shob chele.

AB said...

Nish: 'art feeds on pain and pain on art' ...you struck the chord.

Grey Shades: Why that is indeed nice if they make you laugh. The last problem though makes me want to cry with frustration sometimes...my parents are incorrigible.

Essar: Shob bhai noye. Like hunky scuba diver;)

Essar said...

Hunky scuba diver, hunky ivy-leaguer (is that how its spelt), hunky monk of McLeodgunj, aar ekta naam won't mention but tui okeo bhai baniechilish....

Grey Shades said...

Arent eveybodys AB? But then I guess they are something like love. Cant do with it, cant do without it! :)

AB said...

Essar: :-)

Grey Shades: Err...didn't get you

Essar said...

Nombor neishish? bol, bol bol... do it fast or else shall disclose everything muhuhahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

Grey Shades said...

AB.. what i meant was the parents are like love! cant do with them, cant do without them! samajh ayaa? :)

AB said...

Haanji:-)

Grey Shades said...

Delhites have that typical way of saying Haanji... It sounds kinda respectful all the time!

First Rain said...

Hello!

Your Mcleodganj post has inspired a backpacking trip. :D Will ramble on it shortly!

Yes, it's true that a only against a backdrop which paints a worser picture than our own lives do we really appreciate what we have.
But cribbing has its own benifits - it is what drives my blog after all :P

AB said...

Grey Shades: Respectful??? Well my tone was more jocular.

First Rain: Hey there. As in you went to Mcleodganj, did you?

Grey Shades said...

Yeah i figured that! I was talking about in generic. Have you heard ppl address others here in Pune? You'd think they are shouting profanities at each other! Which sometimes they do btw...

So have you started dancing again?

First Rain said...

Yes, I did.

Grey Shades said...

I've been reading some of your older posts. Especially the ones about dancing. It sure is fun to be on the floor right? There was this time when dance and me were a strict no no. since the time i took it up to divert my mind of elsewhere i realised that this was way too much fun than anything. Like you said, I found my calling! :)

AB said...

Grey Shades: Will start in winter I think. Want to take up something else in between. Yeah dance classes can make you feel like a queen.

First Rain: Wow I envy you. I want to go there yet again. Again and again:-)

Sonia said...

AB: shit happens. that's life.
sigh! everyone else's life seems so easy when you look from the outside. but when you get a glimpse of the real picture... it's a diff story.

Sonia said...

that comment of mine sounded kinda harsh, i didn't mean it to be.

it's just that killing yourself is so hard on everyone else.

AB said...

Sonia: No, you are right. All of us have our own problems in life. It's how we deal with it that makes all the difference. And I really wish she could have been more strong and think of her mother. But then again it's easy to judge and so much more difficult to put myself in her shoes.

Anti-establishment Inc said...

dukkha is a reality that random nature brings upon us, yet life, it gives us the strength to smile.

AB said...

Inc: Well that's a huge name. Anti-establishment inc...out of breath already;) Yes, it's funny that life in its own ways smoothens out the bumps that come in our way.

Sonia said...

i know what you mean, it's easy to say you shouldn't give up on life. but you have to be in her shoes to understand. "if i were her.." is just not valid. cos you'll never really know.
we just have to do our best. and hope we don't screw up.

Grey Shades said...

Well ello! How be you?

sinusoidally said...

It is amazing how she confided in you even though you barely knew her for a few hours...

AB said...

Sonia: *Nods head*

Grey Shades: Flourishing:-)

Sinusoidally: You know that is what struck me even as I was listening to her...

eM said...

okay WHAT assignments are YOU going on? Here, I'm meeting only boring old people who talk about their accomplishments endlessly.

AB said...

eM: My sympathies...Recently went to this bartending competition at Taj. I thought I would see you there sipping on Luscious Lips;) It was fun. I have half a mind to take up flair bartending

Zaphod said...

not with regards your last post...just wanted to say its been a pleasure reading your blog...thanks

Anonymous said...

Here are some links that I believe will be interested

Anonymous said...

Very pretty site! Keep working. thnx!
»

Anonymous said...

Hmm I love the idea behind this website, very unique.
»

Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it! Gps car navigation system top-gps.com gps wheel chair carrier automobile Naked wives fishing pictures Eminem little toy burundi baccarat Fundas para sofas Medical malpractice lawyers in washington Croatia open mens singles tennis champion in 2000 zoloft and drug testing

Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it! » » »