I am upset. And I don't know about what.
So I just ravished a huge bowl of Chicken Biryani. It did do its part. Make me feel a bit more human. But I have been wondering. It's amazing how one thing/ incident/ person, affects me so that I start tainting others with it. And that is so frigging unfair I know. Yet I have been doing it. Saying a whole lot of hurtful things to my guy.
I know none of what happened is his fault -- whatsoever. I have been however absolutely mean to him in saying certain things which I did not mean from the core of my heart.
I never knew I had so weaknesses till now. It's a bit scary. It puts me in mind of those lines from the Abba song 'Lay all your love on me':
I still don't know what you've done with me
A grown-up woman should never fall so easily
I feel a kind of fear
When I don't have you near
To top it all, a sore throat is on its way to bring me down.
And I am such a cribber. What will come of me?
Have you ever sat in a room and wished you were just somewhere else, anywhere else, but there?
I have a few of mine first up.
Last night however could have stolen the cherry, the cake, the stilettos, everything in the blink of an eye. Because how does one react when one feels non-existent in a roomful of people?
The evening started at an open-air wedding of a friend of my boyfriend A. It was a slightly nippy night and I was happy. Delicately -- draping a sari necessitates the need of being feminine (not that I am complaining!) -- weaving my way around the tables in the open ground and spending time with A’s various school mates, I was at ease. I guess I turn into a chirpy bird when I like people.
A’s parents left in some time for home after being assured that I would be dropped of by his close friend. So there I was chit-chatting with some couples. It is funny isn’t it, how randomly one connects with others without having any real connection. Isn’t that the real connection, than one with others which turns out to be forced?
Then somewhere the evening took a downturn. A nose-dive of sorts. An ex of A appeared – she is a part of the same school circle of friends. Now there’s a tiny bit of history to her and me. I have heard quite a bit about her from A and I have always been in sympathy with her. But it seems that she has been averse to meeting me even though she split with him years back. It irked me I guess.
I realised that when without thinking much I hugged her at a cocktail party. Punch me, box me, slap me. I do not know what came over me. I did not like the fact that no one introduced us at that party. Her reaction was muffled. She refused to acknowledge me thereafter and the night of the wedding, she completely looked through me.
That’s the point from when I wished I was not there at the wedding. Thereafter the party shifted to the newly wed couple’s hotel room where I was dragged beyond my wishes. The reason being A’s friend who would be dropping me home. The entertainer was a guy, a starlet of sorts, who deems himself to be a Romeo, a Casanova, a stud, have what you will. The surprise part was how everyone in the room was so taken in by him, to the extent that he even stepped on the newly weds’ bed. Evermore I could not relate to any of the conversation.
I was an outsider and never did I feel it more.
While sitting in a corner, leaning against the wall and feeling particularly weepy, I saw this one boyfriend taking particular care of his girl and never leaving her side. It made me feel even more alone.
Probably the best thing would have been to just not hung out long with them. Who knows? But there are things you learn from every experience, don't you?
My friend N says that people are different. Not everyone can make you feel wanted and neither do they care particularly about how you feel when you enter their clique. “We live in a world where we usually meet people of our kind you know. Those we relate to. And the moment we step out of that cocoon we feel out of depth. It does take all kinds to make up this world honey.”
My thoughts on last night: That there are people you cannot trust and there are people you can. And that you have to trust only yourself to take care of you, no matter what.
P.S.: I also had a Sex and the City moment – that I am blessed to have the friends I have and for the human beings they are. So here’s a round of Cosmos to them!