I really can't tell you why I feel so right now, but the feeling - it refuses to go away

Experience takes years. And the years teach you a lot. For instance, life isn't as you always thought it would be when you were the ubiquitous school girl with pony tails. When you thought it would be a grand affair and you would be the queen of it all. I can't even begin to count the number of things I have learned over the years.

*For instance, you can never take anyone for granted. Not friends, not anyone for that matter. There was a time when I thought friendships are indestructible. They are always there to stay. I was so wrong. I have lost so many friends over a period of time. A guy I knew pointed it out and said, "You know, maybe the problem lies with you". Is that true? Because if it is, I wouldn't know how to deal with it. But I do try to reach back to friends I have lost. There's my school friend SK. Amy, me and SK were thick till college. Till Amy decided to go to Canada and I had just S with me. Then a bunch of complications crept in, in the form of a man she is married to now, and nothing is as it was. I tried to call her when I went back home the last time. She was kind of funny and she never called me back. Her husband by the way is a professor I took tuitions from when I was in college. I still think he is a damn good teacher but I have doubts about the human being in there. I get the feeling SK is alienated from everything she is familiar and I wonder how she is actually.

I suddenly remembered a silly thing Amy, SK and I did when we were in school. We had stood beneath a tree outside my house and taken a solemn oath. I don't know if either of them would recall that evening when after an afternoon of pure mirth, one of those days when we couldn't stop laughing, we said we would never stop being friends.

*I have also learnt in these 25 years that the only people who you can take for granted and count on with your eyes closed are your parents. No matter what. For sometimes, I feel, you do need such people in your life to create a balance between the let-you-downs and the never-let-you-downs. I don't know how many times I have yelled at them and misbehaved, but they have always been there. Just the other day I told my dad that they didn't have an idea about my choice. This because he had yet again sent me a photograph of an eligible guy (a guy
who resembles comedian Vinay Pathak. Now don't get me wrong. I like Vinay Pathak but I don't know whether I would like to marry him). I felt terrible later, but still I didn't call him back. Because I knew the you-are-growing-old-and-past-the-marriageable-age thing would start again. They have their point, I want to tell them, but I can't help it if I don't fall in love with the guys they hunt out.

*There again, creeps in a disillusionment. Life is not a Georgette Heyer tale, where I could say hornswoggle to a rude duke and get away with it and even win his love. In fact, I have started wondering whether there is anything as the perfect guy out there. They say, there is a right time for everything. But is there a right guy? E says its karmic. Since she's kinda in the same boat, she commented: "We must have been kings in our past life with harems. Hence we are paying for it in this life."

*Brothers change. Mine has changed so much that I can't begin to wonder at it. The same brother who would treat me as a pesky little thing and a plaything to be toppled in her walker, has started treating me like I am his older sister. He relies on me and I think I have let him down. He wanted to marry a girl whom my mother never liked. To cut a long tale short, I didn't feel comfortable forcing my parents to accept it. It was complicated alright. Now my mother refuses to talk to my brother and I feel awful about it.

* There's nothing like young love. I met an old crush, a school friend of my brother's, who used to come over to our place pretty often. I was quite young and head over hells in love with him. Ex crush got married a year back and the other day he was in Delhi. When he called and said who he was, I almost fell out of my chair. We met up. It wasn't at all uncomfortable as I feared. I don't know whether he ever had an inclination of my infatuation, but he was very nostalgic. And for once I didn't feel like saying a sarcastic 'Oh yeah' when he commented to my brother: "AB has really grown up R. God I can't believe it." As he was leaving, he gave me a gift. The gesture touched me.

*Experience has taught me yet another thing. One fine day you just bump into someone you have never thought of laying your eyes on ever again. I have a list of such people I would want to meet and wouldn't want to meet. In the latter category would be rock photographer dude. Maybe I should forward it to my guardian angel and trust him to take care of it. And, oh yes, keep my fingers crossed.


Anonymous said...

Yes. Lesson number 2, I have come to realise is truly the most enduring. And the most frightening... because I don't know what I'd do if I had a child who'd take me for granted like I do, with my parents.

Though I'm nowhere close to having one, this is one thought that my brain's been retching up with increasing frequency. It's a horrible devastating mirror to hold up to yourself... the I-as-a-parent-mirror.

Parents, mums particularly, will just take any, ANY kind of crap from you, and not ask you back for any of that unwavering love and support.

[deleted some more stuff i had written... too personal :-/ ]



FiNK said...

Friends change, people change, life changes... everything does. and I think at some point the equation with parents changes too.. just my two cents: they may love u lots but they might not always understand your choices. and perhaps as a rebel unrebelling now, and returning to all that I left Delhi for.. I kinda see why they don't get your choices. Don't know if this makes any sense at all. But sometimes all you can do is work at what you believe in, regardless of what everyone else thinks. total tangent. random one! =P

sayoni said...

you and SK :-) Friends change faster than anything else in life I think, and don't worry, it's not you!

shyam said...

Incidentally, the title is quite funny, it can be read in a positive or negative manner.

Is there a right person? The romantic/hopeful in me says that it has to be true, even after having really messed up one such 'right person'. The realist in me says there are only probably right people -- the ones who come close to it, the rest is just calculated risk. You can never really know.

Siblings do change, but I guess prolly the only thing that does not change is your feelings towards them. You will let down people every now and then, nobody's perfect, it is not a crime that deserves self-administered capital punishment.

I have always lost people I've had as best/closest friends, so much that it is almost a rule. I do not know why it has to be that way, guess it is a part of life/things or how it all works out.

Sonia said...

unfortunately, i know how you feel.

n.g. said...

you can look for answers but that aint fun
just get in the pit and try to love someone

bawitdaba da dang da dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy.

so said kid rock.

Anonymous said...

Aw baby, you sound so sad, my heart goes out to you...but life's like that. Like you said, we live and learn. Or don't. Take care. Things will be fine. Maybe they just need a little bit of time. P

Grey Shades said...

Lovely post AB. Actually made me think of my friends. The ones I let go and the ones who let go of me! And E is right. Relationships are karmic. But then my experience has been that karmic ones go way too deep! Ah well... Its like what my mom says, If things are to happen they will! If not then no matter what you do it aint gonna happen!

AB said...

H: Just yesterday after yet another verbal round with my parents I was thinking exactly the same. That the same might happen to me some day and I really wouldn't know how to deal with it. But then again...I guess we all learn to take one step at a time.

Fink: That's what I am doing right now. Making my own choices and leaving my parents to do the difficult part - dealing with them.

Sayoni: But you remember what she said to you no? That's what has always irked me.

Shyam: I didn't get the positive and negative aspects of the title part...

Sonia: Yeah, I guess all of us more or less go through the same at some points in life.

Nish: Ironic it is, I already think I am in a pit.

P: Isn't that what we have been talking about for so long? I am glad that something nice is happening in your life. You have a ball girl:-)

Grey Shades: I keep telling myself that there is a time for everything. Touche.

shyam said...


1st approach: I really can't tell you why I feel so, right now.

2nd approach: I really can't tell you why I feel, so right, now.

First Rain said...

Yeah, I read shyam's second one the before I read the post title - and then I read the post and re-read the title as the first one.

About the right person:

If you be there; Ever?
In a world close to mine
Why don't our worlds collide; Never?
Change it! Even if it is so writ divine.

And I am sure you did not mean: head over *hells* in love! :P

Keeping our fingers crossed is probably the best we can do! That and eating lots of chocolates :D

AB said...

Shyam: Aha

First Rain: LOL. Never noticed the hells part.

Bhagya said...

ummmmmm it is kind of weird to read something someone has written which is exactly what u been thinking and feeling. All I need to do is change the names of ppl. in this post and it cud be my experience.
Loved reading it.

AB said...

Bhagya: Thank you. It's funny to think that life somewhat does move along the same lines, no?

Toe Knee said...

That was a poignant post. BTW, thanks a million for the blog thingy.

amy said...

I do remember that oath we took under that tree in front of your house, and I also remember thinking that nothing would ever come between us.....no men (well, I should say boys at the time, no gossip, no lies)because we trusted each other like we were sisters. How naive were we?

I guess we all changed. As for SK, its not you. I did not recognize the person I saw in front of me. Other than reminicing about our schooldays there was nothing else we could really talk about. It made me very sad but thats how it is.

I know that I am half way across the other side of the world, But I am sending you a big hug. Cheer up Babe, you still got me :-)

Asset said...

Hi there,

First time here.
Lot of mixed emotions in one post. Seems like an outburst.
Life ain't tht bad.
Circumstances n ppl may bring changes in life, but its U n only U who gives it direction.

Abt friends,I wud say in one's life, there are very few ppl who can b termed as true friends.N I have learnt this from my exp; any friendship, however close it is, can't b taken for granted.There has to b some base rules to it,tht shud never b forgotten.
Also, building a friendship requires compromises, it can't b a one-way affair.
It requires empathy and a bonding at subliminal level.

Abt parents, I agree with wht u say, but wud like to comment tht they also shud not b taken for granted, though they will still stand fast, if u try to do so.
The generation gap is there always, but when I c the length the parents travel across to bridge this gap, compared to us, my respect grows for them.

Abt marriage, i wud quote a line i read somewhere.
"I was looking for the perfect gal,
But alas, when I found her, she was looking for the perfect guy."
So, perfect match is an oxymoron.

So, AB, take it easy. Life is much more b'ful.


AB said...

Toe knee: Don't be silly. You are welcome.

Amy: Were we naive? I guess yes. *Sigh* But may I say it was one of the best friendships I've had. I know I've got you...but it's been AGES we have met, no? And a big hug to you too.

Asset: It's one of those days when you feel things are bleak. I know life is beautiful and that happiness does not lie in everything being perfect. I think it's how you look past those imperfections and be, well, happy. I have learnt to do so, but once in a while, I give vent to these feelings...

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